Shoot House Rules For Life

I was talking to a dear friend of mine, Cindy, the other day when somehow, Matt Graham’s shoot house rules came up.  I’m not sure what Matt’s up to these days, but the rules themselves are gold for teaching people how to work in a shoot house. The rules are as follows:

1. NOBODY IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. 

2. EVERYTHING IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. 

3. SAVE WHO NEEDS TO BE SAVED. 

4. KILL WHO NEEDS TO BE KILLED. 

 5. ALWAYS BE WORKING. 

As conversations with Cindy tend to do, this was a thought-provoking discussion that was more about concepts and ideas, and we were chatting along when I froze for a second and said “Wait a second- what do you  think of applying these to marriage?”  Cindy thought for a second and said “Well, there are probably times Molly wants to kill you, so… you sure about that?” we laughed, and I agreed rule 4 should be left out.  The rest of them, though- take a second and think about this:

1.       NOBODY IS COMING TO SAVE YOU

How many couples do you know in which one or both parties can talk endlessly about the issues in the relationship…with everyone BUT their partner?  It’s one thing to vent to a couple of close friends, that’s smart and healthy, but the people that are constantly putting their relationship drama on social media, constantly complaining to everyone they know about how useless their partner is, or going outside of the relationship to address needs that aren’t being met at home?  ALL relationships, romantic or otherwise, thrive on communication and honesty.  Talk to your partner, and keep putting the work into making it work with your partner.

Note- an exception to this is abuse.  If you’re getting abused in a relationship, get support and get out as fast as you can.  If you’re being abused, please call the Domestic Violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788.

2.        EVERYTHING IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY

The 50-50 rule, “I’ll handle my half, you handle your half, and we’ll meet in the middle” is one of the dumbest things I can think of in a relationship.  It’s rooted in a bullshit 1950’s trad fantasy of a provider and a nurturer, where half the relationship works, the other half cooks, cleans, child-rears, and gets into mischief that she’ll have to explain to the husband when he gets home.  It makes for good TV if you like “I Love Lucy”, but it’s an ass-backward way to expect relationships to go- as are most of the ‘traditional roles’ in the house. My wife has never met a recipe she hasn’t knocked out of the park, but hates going to the store, and it takes a lot out of her to meal plan when she isn’t in the mood, so I do the majority of the cooking for us. Everything in a marriage is about leaning in when your partner needs, and letting them do the same for you. 

3.       SAVE WHO NEEDS TO BE SAVED

This goes hand in hand with the prior rule- if you see something that would make your partner’s life easier, go for it!  It’s easy, and sometimes it means more than you think it will.  I make a point of grabbing one or two of my wife’s staple items every time I’m at the store, whether she needs them or not.  They’ll get used.  Work to see the need before they do.  You won’t always get it right, and that’s okay!  The fact that you try is a big part of it.  Try to get along with their friends and family.  Sometimes that means saving yourself, too. You’re part of a team, now- take a moment to think about how your words and actions will impact your partner before you say or do things. Also, a smart person will use a calendar app and put all of the significant relationship dates in it.  A genius will share that calendar app with their significant other, because sometimes they forget, too. 

4.       KILL WHO NEEDS TO BE KILLED

Not exactly the key to a winning marriage on first blush, is it?  I thought about this for a while, though, and realized it comes to bear, too- not in the literal sense, of course, but metaphorically.  I aspire to be my wife’s biggest cheerleader, and do everything I can to help her make her dreams come true, and she gives that back to me in spades.  Instead of killing, I would say to focus on being a force multiplier and enabler for your partner.  I can’t count the number of times I mentioned wanting to know more about something to my wife and a week later, after I’ve completely forgotten I was thinking about that, she hands me a book on the topic.  I try to make a point of clearing obstacles for her, too.  Instead of kill who needs to be killed, I’d say address the obstacles you can see.

5.       ALWAYS BE WORKING

This is the big one that weaves itself through all of the other rules.  Keep working on your communication, your ability to anticipate needs, your ability to make their life a little easier or better. For that matter, work on yourself!  Your person has chosen you because they want you around a while- work on that blood pressure, that chip on your shoulder, that discomfort with being vulnerable.  Be the kind of person that treats the janitor as well as the CEO.  Harder for me, be the kind of person that admits when they need rest…and then follows through with resting and asks for help!  Try to understand yourself, your partner, and your goals a little better each day- you’ll be amazed how the small pieces of effort come together into real results.

I think when Matt wrote those rules, he was onto something.  I think that’s the reason they’re still coming to my mind a decade after I learned them.  Whatever happened to him, I hope he’s well. 

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