Defensive Communication
Defensive Communication
By Kirk Wachenheimer
Have you ever seen someone who, despite not having spoken a word, you just knew something about? Some combination of clothing, demeanor, and appearance that tells you that person is safe, dangerous, smart, dumb, or somewhere in between? There have been countless studies done—mostly with the intention of measuring stereotypes—that focus on this very concept: your communication with the world is more than words. What does this mean for your personal security?
When you go out into the world, how many levels of communication are you aware of? What are you communicating to people that aren’t talking to you, and vice versa? Let’s examine a scenario from a couple of angles to see how this plays out. First, let’s say you’ve walked into a bar. There’s a person in the back whose eyes are locked on to you as soon as the person notices you, and every time you glance in that direction, that person is staring at you. Let’s further assume that you’re dressed well- business attire. There are things that can make this greater or lesser cause for concern. In the first, happier scenario, let’s say the person across the room is mid-20’s, of your preferred gender, and attractive. That’s a non-threatening, probably positive scenario. Not all attention is bad, after all!
Let’s change this around a bit, though- same bar, same reaction, you’re the same person… but the person watching you is six foot five inches tall, 280 pounds, wearing torn clothes, with a shaved head and goatee, and staring at you just as intently. He’s also tapping a similarly built and dressed friend and pointing at you. That’s a remarkably different feeling, isn’t it? Now, it could still be entirely innocent- perhaps they’re looking for another player for their football team! The point is that their external communication can communicate worlds of information from a distance- so why wouldn’t you use it to your advantage? In this article, we’ll discuss visual communication, direct and indirect auditory communication, and direct and indirect physical communication. Each of these yield benefits if you understand the precepts and use them to your advantage.
Visual communication- what’s on the menu?
The persona you present to the world can say anything you’d like- and may have unintended consequences. When I was younger, I used to run around in the ‘tactical tuxedo’ of flat dark earth (okay…tan. They were tan.) 5.11 tactical pants, black boots, white t-shirt, and a black 5.11 vest, generally with a ball cap. As cringe-inducing as that was by itself, I tended to keep my thigh pockets absolutely stuffed full of ‘essentials’ that I couldn’t possibly leave home without. I had my head on the proverbial swivel, making eye contact with everyone around me despite working ridiculously hard not to have a facial expression. Other than the fact that I was free Saturday night from then until forever, what was I communicating to people who didn’t know me?
My outfit said that I had (or really wanted) tactical training and was at least interested enough to dress the part. Additionally, the t-shirt and vest screamed into the void that I had a gun on my waist. I had metal clips sticking out of my visible pockets, signifying knives, multi-tools, and just enough of a bulge in my left thigh pocket that it could have been a backup gun. I had a bunch of crap on me, of which probably 75% was useless unless it turned into Red Dawn.
What I also said with my clothing was not at all what I intended to: If you’re going to start shooting, this guy is the first place you should dump your rounds if there’s not a cop around. In fact, if you just WANT a gun, clubbing this ignorant jackass over the head is probably a good place to start! I was showing my hand before the cards were even dealt. Not only was I not accomplishing the goal I wanted, I was undermining myself in several other areas, too- which might have something to do with my not getting a date until I knocked that off.
What’s the other end of the spectrum? What if, instead of my wannabe SWAT look, I had walked around in sandals, extra-tight pants, a tucked-in t-shirt, and my face permanently buried in my cell phone, trying to become a social media influencer? It’s clear that I’ve got money at that point, and I’m certainly not threatening anyone around me. It’s clear that I’ve got a lot going on in my world, and probably don’t want to be bothered. On the other hand, to anyone hungry, I look like food. I’ve got no idea what’s going on around me, I have a device in my hand that’s probably worth at least a couple hundred dollars at a fence, and I’m really not all that likely to run away or put up much of a fight. It’s really not any better than playing tactical dress-up, except that I might have a chance to hide if shooting should start.
So what do I do instead? Well, my wife might have burned a lot of my 5.11 gear when we got married, so that’s no longer an option. I’m proud to report that I have never once donned a pair of skinny jeans, so instead, I try to blend in. I live just barely in the south, so I can get away with an untucked button-down or gubayera-style shirt, and often do. I have a style that I like to call “middle of the herd”, and I try to live up to it. I live in jeans as much as possible, keep my head up, my eyes moving…but I smile when I make eye contact, and offer a polite greeting. No challenge offered or implied, just “Good morning!” My goal is to come off as a friendly extrovert, not rich or poor, neither meat nor predator. Just another dude, if you will.
Indirect communication- What does the next table hear?
Your indirect communication is much like your visual- it’s the things that you might never think other people will notice…or perhaps have the right to have an opinion on. So-called “Man-spreading” is a prime example of indirect physical communication. Choosing to take a wide-legged seat on a public bus or train, taking up more space than you need, is taken as expression of male dominance by many, and has been met with shaming. Is that right, wrong, or other? Here’s the other question- for your primary goal… does it matter? Do you want to stand up against people shaming man-spreaders, or do you want to avoid the issue? That’s an individual answer, not a dogmatic one- it’s not my place to tell you what’s important. However, you should make that decision before you’re in the situation.
What else is unusual in your area? Take a second and look, really look, at how other people behave, and what stands out or blends in. Should you notice a set of behaviors that always causes a strong reaction in yourself or others, ask what it’s communicating, and if that’s really something you want to communicate outward. Your choice of language and volume matter as much as your body position and range. What about the conversation you’re having with other people? For example, the phrase “I’ve got the ring in my pocket right now- I’m proposing to her later tonight at Ruths Chris on Jackson Drive. Our reservation is for 7 O’Clock.” communicates a world of information that could make you stand out as a target should it be overheard. As a general rule, it’s similar to your nonverbal communication- much as you don’t want to look like chow or challenger, you don’t want to sound like food or competition, either.
Direct communication- on ramps and off-ramps.
When it gets to the point of a face to face encounter, we move to direct communication with an individual, which is primarily a choose your own adventure with an extra dose of emotion thrown in. Going back to the bodybuilder example from earlier- if he bumps into you in the bar, what do you do? This is the earliest on-ramp or off-ramp. You can make noise and let him know he needs to watch where he’s going, thank you very much! That’s what we call an on ramp. You’re accelerating the situation, not entirely sure where it’s going to go. The guy could be drunk, could have simply tripped, or could be having a really bad day he wants to take out on someone else- none of which you’ll be able to tell from the outside.
An off-ramp, on the other hand, is the opposite reaction- ‘Hey, sorry about that. My bad.’ Off ramps don’t always feel great- in fact, some times they require more self-control than many fine, sane people have. That’s an extreme situation, but it establishes the idea. As you practice it more, you can find additional on- and off-ramps in every conversation. In fact, depending on how much effort you want to put into it, a conversation is nothing but a series of on and off-ramps. Take a look at this discussion and think about how many on and off ramps you see, and which I took:
(immediately after I’m bumped into)
Me: Hey, sorry about that.
SumDood I’Dunno: You better be sorry.
Me: Seriously?
S.I.: Man, I will f*ck you up.
Me: Hey, I don’t think either of us is trying to have that kind of night. Can I buy you a drink?
S. I. : What, I can’t buy my own drinks now?
Me: No, you can
S. I.: So you’re giving me permission, now?
Me: No, I…
This isn’t going very well for me. I was surprised, and when I asked “Seriously?”, I kicked a whole chain of events in motion that don’t seem to be going well for me, then I got into a loop where everything I said was wrong. What if, instead, I tried this?
S. I: Man, I will f*ck you up.
Me: Hey, I’m sorry. That didn’t come out the way I meant it.
S. I.: What did you mean?
Me: I meant 2020 is crazy enough without good men fighting, and I think we’re both good men.
It’s not in any way a fool-proof strategy, but which of them do you think is more likely to work? Take the idea and play with it- the construct is just asking a question before you speak. That question is this:
Does this make it more or less likely I’ll accomplish what I’m here for?
As long as you’re acting, and communicating, in accordance with that goal, I suspect you’ll have an easier time in the world. Of course it’s not easy- some people absolutely beg to be punched in the mouth, and as humans, we’re all capable of having a bad day when we REALLY want to oblige them. That said.. if you’re reading this, I can’t imagine you’re that kind of person.
Or am I just using an off-ramp?
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